


never opened myself this way

by carrieevew



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Season/Series 05, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 20:49:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrieevew/pseuds/carrieevew
Summary: “Are you sure it’s even working?” He asked finally, when they went through the range and heard nothing but static. Madi was undeterred, though, starting over.“Yeah,” she muttered, not even looking at him. “I mean, you never answered any of the calls but Clarke said it’s because of the ash and clouds and radiation, not because of the radio.”“What are you talking about?” He asked, confused. What calls?or: Bellamy and Clarke have an important conversation





	never opened myself this way

**Author's Note:**

> this has taken me _ages_ to write but apparently you gotta work some if you want money for all that trivial stuff like food or electricity; also, i made myself tear up a little while writing; and to think i planned on doing some easy modern au fluff instead.
> 
> title from _Nothing Else Matters_ by Metallica but keeping up with the apparent trend i've started for myself, there's also the version by [Acid Drinkers & Czesław Mozil](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJjuNtxHHjk). i'm starting to wonder if this season will give me enough feels to go through the whole "Fishdick Zwei" album. here's hoping!
> 
> enjoy!

Madi’s training was going well. At least that’s what Gaia told Clarke when they stood on the edge of the arena, watching the session. Gaia’s voice was strong and confident but Clarke could see the sideways glances the Flamekeeper was shooting at Octavia, while she taught her novitiates how to properly hold a sword, pointing out the mistakes they were making after she knocked the weapon out of their hands time and time again.

In any other circumstances, Clarke would’ve been proud. Madi was holding her ground pretty well, determined to keep up with other kids who already had more experience than her. She picked up her sword each time it was knocked out and placed herself in the position that Octavia presented with a huff and a clenched jaw that Clarke knew very well from all the times Madi was learning something new. In any other circumstances, Clarke could’ve appreciated Octavia’s encouragements and grunts of acceptance whenever Madi made even the smallest progress.

But right now, all Clarke could think of was Octavia waving her sword at Madi, explaining how not to get disarmed. One swing too strong, one graze too deep and Madi would be out of her way while Octavia could claim it was an accident.

“She shows much promise,” Gaia reassured her with a small smile but Clarke still froze when Madi’s sword landed on the floor once again, when Octavia placed her blade under Madi’s chin and told her to _focus and pay attention_.

Clarke turned her head slightly to speak to Gaia but she noticed the Flamekeeper was looking at something behind Clarke’s head instead. Gaia nodded her head lightly and stepped away from Clarke and closer to the centre of the arena where Octavia switched to showing how to draw the swords the quickest and how to get a correct grip on them the easiest.

“I never imagined her around children,” said Bellamy, appearing suddenly at Clarke’s side. She was so distracted by the training that she never even noticed him coming in but it made sense he was the one who made Gaia leave.

“Didn’t think she'd ever have the patience to teach anyone anything, you know,” he continued, voice filled with astonishment. But Clarke couldn’t help but think back to the group of young Nightbloods she saw all those years ago, all of them so eager to learn, so trustful and amazed to be taught by the Commander herself, only to end up slaughtered in their sleep in a power struggle, so that Ontari could clear a path for herself.

She stayed quiet for long enough that Bellamy sighed in resignation. Clarke looked away from him and swallowed around the ball that seemed to have lodged itself in her throat permanently. She hated how they were right now. She wanted to tell him all hear fears and to seek comfort but she knew he wasn’t hers to talk to anymore.

Clarke glanced back onto the arena and caught Gaia's eye, who positioned herself a little closer to Madi. They held the gaze for a while longer before Gaia broke it and focused on the training instead.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you trusting Gaia,” Bellamy spoke with some surprise.

“A lot of things happened that I didn’t expect either,” Clarke muttered under hear breath but judging by the way that Bellamy went stiff by her side, he’d heard her. Clarke didn’t let him talk, though. “No, I don’t trust her. I still don’t know what her angle is but she’s the only one who hasn’t reassured me that everything's alright and I trust that.”

“Do you really think O would hurt Madi?” Bellamy asked.

Clarke nearly laughed at that, almost told him to snap out of it. They were standing in the middle of a fighting arena, drenched in blood and decorated with the remains of the defeated, who fought and died for the crowd's entertainment. But she didn’t. The voice died on her throat because Bellamy sounded—lost. He sounded like he was finally realising that this person they found in the bunker really was his sister. He sounded like it was finally getting to him, that this time, he may not be able to talk to her, to reach her; and it was killing him.

Clarke felt her hand itch, wishing she could reach out and touch him, to hold him and let him know that he’ll be okay, but she closed it into a fist instead. It wasn’t her place to comfort him anymore, either.

“I really hope she wouldn’t,” Clarke answered and turned to her side, to face Bellamy. “But I can’t let my guard down. I have to plan for it. I can’t let—”

Her voice trembled and she glanced at the arena, checking if anyone was paying attention to them. They were still ignored but she lowered her voice anyway.

“The first time I met Madi, she thought I came to take her to Polis, to take her away from her home and pit her against other children to fight for the command. I promised her that I would protect her and never let anything happen to her. She’s all I have, Bellamy. And I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe.”

“You’re not alone anymore, Clarke. We can help you,” Bellamy offered. “But that would mean you’d have to talk to us, so.”

The bitterness in his voice was so clear and biting that Clarke almost felt it burn her skin. She forgot that he could sound like that, how hard her insides would twist when he spoke to her that way.

“You mean like you talked to me about your plan to send Diyoza a Trojan horse?” Clarke deflected, hoping it would derail him from asking her about those six years again. Now more than ever, she wasn’t ready to talk about that. Especially not to him.

There was a flash of guilt on Bellamy’s face but Clarke wasn’t about to stop there, not if she hoped to push him away far enough that he’d stop trying to talk to her about it.

“Just like other things you’ve neglected to mention.”

Bellamy’s jaw dropped slightly and he stared at her for a long second before she saw that it hit him what she’d meant.

Silence fell on them and they just looked at each other, ignorant to the rest of the world happening around them until the sounds of fighting from the arena faded into nothing and they heard footsteps heading in different directions instead. Including theirs.

Madi came up at Clarke’s side, looking somewhat unsure. Clarke smiled at her, hoping she would look convincing. There was no turning back now, with Octavia knowing the truth, she had to play nice and allow Madi to join the classes, no matter much Clarke wished she could just pack the rover, grab Madi and leave as far away as possible.

“You were great,” Clarke said, voice tight. Madi smiled lightly, a little despite herself. Madi wasn’t looking at Octavia with the same amazement as she did at the beginning, a bit more wary of her now but she was still excited about the training and Clarke tried to be happy for her.

Clarke was still aware of Bellamy standing behind them, watching them both silently and Clarke forced herself not to look at him before she led Madi away and out of the bunker.

They weren’t it this together anymore.

...

Bellamy was beyond worried, that was clear as day.

He was staring in the direction where the Eligius transport ship disappeared, as if he believed that he could see the Valley if only he looked hard enough.

Clarke could understand that. She still remembered the regret she felt the moment he left for Mount Weather, the nearly paralyzing fear before they heard from him. The utter relief that flooded her once he finally called from the inside.

She could understand and she wanted to go to him, to reassure him that everything would be okay. But she didn’t. She had no idea what would she say to him and that hurt. Clarke hadn't always known how to talk to Bellamy but she had always known that no matter what words she'd use, he’d understand. Even when they fought, when they disagreed, when they were screaming at each other, she always felt like they understood each other.

She wasn’t so sure about that anymore.

...

The rain wasn’t showing any signs of stopping and the wind howling between the ruins of Polis was filling everyone with piercing cold.

Clarke was digging through the rover, looking for a warmer coat for Madi when her fingers tangled in one of the exposed wires on her radio antenna. She had to tweak with it so many times in the past that she didn’t even bother with the cover anymore.

Clarke dug the radio out, her finger pushing the call button gently. She blinked a couple of times, fighting off the stinging in her eyes and her breath hitched.

For six years and seven days, those call had become a part of her routine, a way to keep a hold on the passing time.

2199 calls she had made and each one of them helped her breath a little easier. Helped her remember that she wasn’t alone. That somewhere out there, she still had someone.

And now after all this time, they were finally back. So why did she still feel like calling Bellamy and asking him to hurry?

Clarke sighed, a long and heavy breath that made her shoulders sag. She rubbed the call button for a few moments more until she heard the rover door open. She dropped the radio and turned around to see Madi climbing it. Clarke shook herself out of her thoughts and found the coat. Madi shrugged it on and snuggled against the side of the rover, brushing her fingers through her damp, frizzled hair.

“Stay here, please,” Clarke said and jumped out of the rover.

She found Bellamy on the edge of the city, in one of the perimeter checks. He stood there with Miller, talking to him quietly. Bellamy smirked at Miller but he never relaxed, not for a moment. His rigid posture, the hand never moving too far away from his gun, he wasn’t fooling anyone.

Clarke hated seeing him like that.

This was supposed to be _it_. They survived the end of the world, they came home. They had a Valley that was alive and rich, and ready for them to start over. This was when she planned for them to finally start living.

Instead, they were fighting a war again. Stuck between two armies trying to annihilate each other, again.

Miller noticed her first, jerked his head and said something to Bellamy. Then, Bellamy turned to her, his brows raised in alarm. Clarke sent him a weak half-smile, hoping to calm him down a bit.

“I know how we may be able to reach Raven,” she told him after she led him away from the rest. It was better not to risk anyone listening in. “I have an old radio, nothing as fancy as what Eligius has, so they’re probably not even scanning  for that. Monty mentioned that you brought your radio back, so maybe we can find the right frequency.

“You think this would work?” Bellamy asked after a moment of stunned silence. Clarke shrugged.

“I don’t know but you can at least try.”

Bellamy nodded and turned towards the rover. She didn’t follow, though.

“Madi will help you with it,” Clarke said when he looked at her with confusion. “Without my mother, Jackson needs all the help live can get in the med bay, dealing with all the injuries after the sandstorm.”

Clarke hoped Bellamy wouldn't question her half-truth. Sure, there was plenty for her to do but it could’ve waited. But Clarke couldn’t be there when Bellamy spoke to Echo.

Bellamy hummed in understanding and walked away. Clarke watched him climbed into the rover and even for a while longer after he’d already shut the door behind him.

And then, she walked away.

...

Madi looked at him funny, when Bellamy told her that Clarke had suggested using the radio to try and call Raven, but didn’t say anything, just hanged the antenna outside the window.

“It would work better if we were in the open and outside but this is a secret mission, right?” Madi asked and Bellamy heard the excitement clear in her voice. It’s been days since they’ve met in the woods and he still couldn’t quite believe that the girl in front of him was real.

There was a moment when they were in the desert, when he woke up in the middle of the night, rattled by a disturbing dream he couldn’t remember anymore, when he thought he only imagined the last few days. That he was still on the Ring, that he fell asleep on the floor, somewhere he shouldn’t have again. For a split second, he thought he was dreaming about finding Clarke alive again. That the way she clung to him in the holding cell was just a cruel trick of his imagination.

But then he heard her snore gently on the make-shift bed next to him and he had to stop himself from reaching out and touching her, just to reassure himself that she really was there.

Except none of his dreams ever looked like this. There was never anyone with her and there was never any of this distance that was stretching between them, wider and wider with each conversation they had. In his dreams, he never felt her slipping through his fingers like that.

“Raven? Raven, can you hear me?” Madi’s voice broke him out of his thoughts. Madi fiddled with the frequencies and repeated the call a few times, cursing lightly in Trigedaslang.

“Are you sure it’s even working?” he asked finally, when they went through the range and heard nothing but static. Madi was undeterred, though, starting over.

“Yeah,” she muttered, not even looking at him. “I mean, you never answered any of the calls but Clarke said it’s because of the ash and clouds and radiation, not because of the radio.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked, confused. What calls?

“Clarke called you every day.” Madi explained with a small shrug, finally looking away from the radio and at him. Her voice was casual, but Bellamy could hear the blood rushing in his ears.

_Every day_?

Bellamy could feel his face growing colder but Madi just ploughed on, not noticing his stricken expression.

“She called in the morning, to tell you what was going on, what we were doing, how the green of Valley was growing every day.”

“She called us?” Bellamy was still shaken by the revelation.

“ _Yes_. She talked to you, asked about the Ark, about how the others were doing, if they were all okay,” Madi listed, still perfectly casual but clearly growing impatient with him. She went back to the radio, turning the knob carefully while Bellamy just started at her.

And then the full meaning of her words hit him.

“You mean me? Clarke called _me_?”

Madi looked back at him with all the disappointed exasperation that only a twelve year old kid can really deliver.

“Who else would she call?”

Bellamy’s jaw snapped shut, his teeth ringing almost painfully. His mind went blank for a second, only to start buzzing again with one thought. _Clarke called him every day_.

He almost forgot what he was doing there, why he was even sitting in the rover, until the radio made a loud noise and in came Raven’s voice, confused and utterly surprised.

“Hello?”

...

Clarke was in the med bay, talking to Jackson about their remaining inventory, when Bellamy found her. She looked up from the tablet in her hand and caught his eye, as he stopped in the doorway. She frowned noticing his expression, the distress clear on his face. Clarke excused herself to Jackson who only nodded when he notice Bellamy waiting for her.

Clarke reached him and waved him to follow her out of the med bay. They found an empty corridor, away from entrance to avoid being overheard.

Clarke turned to Bellamy, growing worried when he stayed quiet and just started at her.

“Is everything alright with Echo? Raven?” She asked and for a moment, Bellamy looked like she'd surprised him, like he'd forgotten what that call was all about.

“What?” Bellamy asked, blinking rapidly to fond his focus again. “Yes, they’re okay,” he confirmed and Clarke let out a long breath, some of the stress and tension leaving her body. “Diyoza doesn't trust them, obviously, and Raven’s access to computers is somewhat limited but she’s gonna do what she can.”

“What’s wrong, then?” Clarke pushed because something obviously was. “Is Madi okay?” she asked, more alarmed now, while Bellamy just—stared.

Clarke was getting seriously worried, even more so that Bellamy wouldn't just tell her what the fuck was going on.

“She’s fine, she—she told me about your calls,” he finally spoke, looking straight at her, his eyes roving her face, searching.

Clarke could feel her blood freeze in her veins. This wasn’t happening.

“She said you called me every day. Did you?”

“Seems like you already know,” Clarke said bitterly, voice almost stuck in her throat. She couldn’t be talking to him about it. Not now.

Not ever, ideally.

“I want to hear it from you,” Bellamy insisted and Clarke huffed, getting jumpy. She looked around her, not sure if she was checking if they were still alone or looking for a way out.

“Why?” She nearly whined, still hoping he would just drop it. “What's the point of talking about it? It changes nothing.”

“Clarke—” Bellamy was pleading, his eyes never leaving her face and Clarke just—broke.

“What?” she snapped. “What do you want me to say, Bellamy?” Clarke took a step back and ran a hand through her hair. “That I missed you? That I waited for you to come back? That I called you every day even though I knew you weren’t listening? That for those first months alone, those calls were the only thing that was keeping me sane? That after I couldn’t get to the bunker, couldn’t find food or water, after the rover was broken, I wanted to kill myself? Is that what you want to hear?”

Bellamy stayed silent at first, stunned and not moving. But at that, he gasped and reached out to her, but Clarke put her hands up to stop him. He stayed and she rubbed at her eyes, feeling tears pooling, her throat closing.

But the flood gate was open now.

“Maybe I should tell you that I looked up to the sky for five years wishing I could just see the Ark? That when that time passed and you still didn’t come, I cried myself to sleep for a week? That Madi had to hold me and tell me to breathe when I had a panic attack when I realised that I had no way of knowing if you even survived? That maybe the reason you never answered was because you didn’t make it to the ring at all. That you were dead all along and I had failed you.”

She took a shaky breath.

“Is that what you wanted to hear? Is this making anything better?”

“Clarke, I—” Bellamy started, his voice broken, but words failed him. She could see his eyes were shiny with tears.

Clarke dropped her head and look at her boots. She wiped the tears that escaped and rolled down her cheek. She suddenly felt tired. So very, very tired of not talking to him, of avoiding him when all she wanted was to have her friend—her partner back. She missed him so fucking much.

“You wanted to know how I survived, so there you have it. It was you, Bellamy. Madi may have made it a life worth living but I _survived_ because of you,” she finally said, looking back up at him, because there was no hiding anything anymore.

Bellamy's face was so terrifyingly open then, with pain and grief and blame written all over it. Clarke sent him a sad look, wishing she didn’t make him feel like that.

It wasn’t his fault that her expectations didn’t meet reality, that she let herself believe that once he came back, they could just pick up where they left off. He moved on with his life, built a new family, one she wasn’t a part of and for all that it _hurt_ to know that, she was happy that he had. That he had people on whom he could count, whom he finally opened up to. That’s all she ever wanted for him and it wasn’t fair for her to act out her frustrations on him. He didn't deserve how she pushed him away.

Clarke hugged her arms around her body, suddenly feeling very cold.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you, Bellamy. For not saying what was wrong, for trying to leave without telling you, I just didn’t—”

But she never got the chance to finish here apology because in a flash, she was surrounded by his warm, strong arms, tugging her in.

“No, don’t,” Bellamy murmured into her hair, hand rubbing up and down her back. “You have nothing to apologise for. I’m the one who left you behind.”

Clarke unwound her arms from herself and put her hands on his chest, fingers clenching into his jacket. She shook her head and looked up at him. He looked at her with so much grief and regret, that Clarke couldn’t hold her tears back any longer.

She moved her left hand up, up to his face. She pressed it gently against his cheek and Bellamy nuzzled lightly into her palm.

“You lived, Bellamy, and you found a family,” Clarke said, sniffling a little and then smiled at him. “It’s what I wanted.”

Bellamy frowned at her, moving his head away a bit, to take a better look at Clarke.

“ _You_ are my family, Clarke. We never— _I_ never would’ve made it up there without you.”

He moved back in, pressed his forehead lightly against hers. Clarke's palm was still on his cheek and Bellamy brought his own to cover hers. His warm fingers intertwined with hers. Their joined hands dropped back to his chest and he pressed them to his heart.

“Please, _please_ , tell me that you know that,” he whispered.

Clarke nodded once.

“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! comments and kudos will be welcomed like manna!
> 
> find me on tumblr @[carrieeve](http://carrieeve.tumblr.com), i'm always there to yell about the show ;-P


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